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We've been back from our trip overseas for about a week now. Our trip went well, although I felt very sick the whole time. We really enjoyed getting to spend time with our friends and getting to see the interesting city where they live. Our flight to London was canceled, so once we got rescheduled, we only had one full day there. It was nice, but we'll definitely have to go back to actually get to experience it better.

During the trip, I had a small scare with my pregnancy. We went to the OB and had an ultrasound to check on the baby. The baby was fine, but they found a large cyst (8.6 cm) on my right ovary. The doctor seemed really concerned about it bursting or twisting, especially during our long flights. From that point on, I tried to take it a little easier, and nothing happened during the flights.

A few days after we got home, I had another scare. My first ultrasound and appointment with the doctor were scheduled for the next day, but we went ahead and got the ultrasound early. Again, the baby was fine. Its heart rate was 165bpm. It measured for 7 weeks and 5 days, which is exactly on track for my due date of August 18! The cyst measured 8.0 cm. They weren't sure what had caused my bleeding, but the doctor didn't seem very concerned the next day. I was really surprised that there was only one baby-- I had the sonographer double-check. With my hormones being so high, and feeling so sick, and showing already, I really expected there to be twins. My OB nurse seemed to expect it, too. But only one!

My cyst has been causing a lot of pain and discomfort, but my doctor doesn't seem too concerned about it. The cyst was caused by the Clomid that I was on. Typically a cyst like this one would go away on its own, usually around the beginning of the second trimester, as pregnancy hormones naturally decrease and stabilize. I have another ultrasound on January 28 to check its progress. It's possible that I could have to have surgery to remove it during my second trimester, but we're praying that it goes away on its own.

The doctor gave me more medicine to help with my nausea, but it doesn't seem to be working. I can't believe how sick I've been with this pregnancy! It's so different from when I was pregnant with Elam! I was sick then, but nothing like this. I'm hoping and praying that it will go away soon, but trying to keep in mind that it's worth it in the end!

Ultrasound photo - January 4, 2011

Open hands

Our trip to Florida was great! We enjoyed having the chance to relax and enjoy the ocean, good seafood, and a little miniature golf. Although it was only a few days, it was rejuvenating! After our trip, I took a sewing class to freshen up on my sewing skills. I made a jacket, which was a first for me, and it was a lot of fun. We've had a lot of other things going on in the last month and a half, and now I think we're to the point where things will (hopefully) slow down a bit. We are planning a trip in December to a country in West Asia to visit friends, and we'll make a stop in London, England, for a few days on the way home. We'll be spending Christmas with our friends in West Asia and New Year's in London! We're sad to miss spending time with our family over Christmas, but we're really excited about being with our friends and experiencing a new place!

As for the fertility stuff, we have a few encouraging updates. Although we were not pregnant last month, the HCG shot did help to improve my symptoms a little. They're not completely gone, but they improved! I talked with the doctor and she said that this month we should try Clomid and the HCG shot. I'm thinking (and hoping) that adding the Clomid will be just what I need for my symptoms to go away! So this month I took Clomid for a few days, then got an ultrasound to check my follicles. They were mature, so Ben gave me the HCG shot. So we'll see how it goes! Another thing the doctor mentioned last month was that we could also re-try taking progesterone, maybe next month. Progesterone is typically what's prescribed for my particular symptoms. We haven't tried it in a while because last time I took it, it actually made my symptoms a little worse! But the doctor reminded me that I was taking baby aspirin at that time (because the doctors thought I had a clotting disorder, when I actually had a bleeding disorder!), so maybe the progesterone will actually help this time. I was encouraged by this idea-- we have two definite treatments to try, which felt like we might actually be getting somewhere. If none of these things work, Ben and I may try pursuing more serious testing before continuing with any more treatments.

It has been amazing to watch how God has provided for our fertility testing and treatments so far. For example, last month I ended up getting two ultrasounds, just to find out both times that my ovaries were not ready for the HCG shot. Each ultrasound cost $220 out of pocket, and it was expected that insurance would not cover any of it. Then, a few days later, the shot cost $140! So we ended up spending $560 just for one month! We were pretty discouraged by that, and knew we couldn't keep up with those costs each month. But it turned out that, even though our insurance policy says it doesn't cover fertility treatments, they are covering about $200 from each ultrasound and maybe the entire cost of the shot! And that's only one example of how God has provided! It's been so incredible.

I've also been blessed this month by something God is teaching (or, re-teaching) me. I realized that lately I have been desperately holding the whole baby issue very tightly, and I haven't been open to the possibility that God may not want us to be trying to have a baby at this time. I'm not saying that I think He wants us to do something different at this point, but I haven't been open to letting Him do whatever He wants in our lives. So I decided to let go and surrender (and still try to each day) so that He can direct us as He wants. Ben and I have been praying for clear direction about what He wants us to do, whether that be to continue with what we're doing, begin the adoption process, some combination of the two, or just stop all of it altogether. Neither of us feel like we've gotten crystal clear direction at this point, so our plan is to continue doing what we're doing until He says otherwise. But we have both felt encouraged by the way things are going in the last few weeks, especially after seeing improvement in my symptoms. The really amazing thing is that I can't believe how much weight has been lifted off my shoulders as I've chosen to surrender. I think I was using so much emotional energy and stress to hold onto the issue so tightly, and once I let go and began holding it with open hands, I have felt so much more peace. I was so afraid to let go because it seemed so scary and uncertain, but now I've found that it's actually less scary to just let God be the one to take care of it. Surrender is something I must do daily, and it's not always easy, but I feel so much better about the situation when I just let God decide. God really is trustworthy and good. He knows what He's doing!

So if you would like to know how to pray for us, please pray that:

• The medicines I took this month would get rid of my fertility problems
• We would get pregnant soon
• God would give us both clear direction
• I would continue to surrender to God's will on a daily basis
• We would have patience and wisdom in this whole situation

Thank you! I'll try to post an update again in the next couple weeks about how the medicines have worked.

Lots of things going on!

Wow, it's been a long time since I've updated! Here's a brief summary of the last few months...

• In February, Ben and I traveled with his parents to Los Angeles, where I had the privilege of meeting many of his family members for the first time. We also got to visit Disneyland while we were there. Lots of fun!
• Also in February, Ben had a fertility test. The results did not appear to be good. He started taking a lot of vitamin C in addition to a multivitamin, hoping it would help. We decided to take a two-month break from trying to get pregnant. (We've just finished this two-month break and we're starting fertility testing/treatment... read below.)
• We celebrated Elam's first birthday on March 2. Some of our friends and family joined us at the gravesite, we had dinner, then came home for some birthday cake. We were very blessed by everyone's support! Emotionally, we were ok. The day after his birthday was much harder for me. I think not being pregnant yet made his birthday a lot harder than it would have been otherwise. But that's ok. Trying to remember to receive everything as a gift and trust God and His timing...
• I am still doing volunteer work at our church. I'm now also maintaining the church website, which I really enjoy!
• Our life group is undergoing some changes. We have merged with a larger group, and we'll be multiplying in a few months. We've enjoyed the changes so far, and we look forward to getting to know the people in the large group better.

A lot has been going on in the last couple weeks! I spent the last week of April, including my birthday on the 27th, in Orlando with my very good friends and their three kids. We spent time in the awesome pool at the resort, went to Disney World for a day, and Seaworld for two days. We had a lot of fun! The only thing that would have made it better is if Ben had been able to come with us. Unfortunately, he couldn't take the time off work to come.

We returned to Nashville on May 1st, just a few hours before the massive flooding began! Our neighborhood is located right next to Mill Creek, where the waters rose well above flood stage. The water began creeping up our street, and was only 1-2 houses away. We started putting a lot of our belongings up high in the house in preparation for a flood. Thank goodness the waters quit rising and our home was spared. Unfortunately, many homes in our area, and our church buildings, were not. Since the flooding, we've been trying to do our part to conserve water, keep our church website updated for volunteers and donors, and we've done some volunteering of our own to help families in the area. It's been a crazy week!

Also this week, we had our first appointment with the fertility specialist. It was a good, encouraging appointment. My OB seemed really concerned about Ben's test results from February, and she thought they would likely recommend artificial insemination. However, our fertility doctor did not seem too concerned. She just told him to stop drinking caffeine and take antibiotics for a couple weeks just in case. She's also testing both of our blood for problems. While we were there, she got our (very complicated) medical history, and she did an ultrasound and exam on me. During the ultrasound, she was able to rule out a few major problems. Like my other doctors have thought for years, she suspects that I have endometriosis, which could be the reason we have not gotten pregnant. (We started trying to get pregnant about 10 months ago.) I'm scheduled for laparoscopic surgery on Thursday, May 13, to diagnose and treat the endometriosis. We've known for years that I'd probably have to get this surgery eventually, especially if we ever had trouble getting pregnant. The recovery sounds a little rough. I'm hoping it won't be as bad as they've described! Please pray! We're really hoping that this is all the treatment we need to be able to get pregnant.

So this next week, we'll be doing a little more flood relief work, and we'll be working to prepare our home and the little details of our lives for my surgery and recovery, which hopefully won't take too long!

Well, I think that's it for now. Lots of things going on! I'll try to update again soon after surgery. We appreciate your prayers!

Trying to Wait Patiently...

It's been a long time since I last updated this blog! Sorry to anyone who's been coming here over the last few months only to find that I haven't written anything new! I kept thinking I'd wait a little longer til I had some good news to report (regarding pregnancy), but that hasn't really happened like I thought it would...

I'll get right to the pregnancy topic, since that's probably what most people are looking to read about. We've been trying to get pregnant for five and a half months now. It's a difficult process. I really try not to get my hopes up each month, but it's hard to avoid it. Last month, I did much better, but it's still hard. I wouldn't say we're stressed about it-- mostly just sad. Most months, I have one or two days where I feel pretty distraught, desperate, disappointed, etc. Those days often coincide with my changing hormones. But those feelings pass. Otherwise, we're just waiting, trying to be patient.

For the last several months, I've had some slightly concerning symptoms regarding my hormones. This last month was the worst yet. The doctor tested my progesterone, but the results came back normal. But I'm going to start taking progesterone this month just in case, because my symptoms indicate that my progesterone levels aren't staying as high as they should in order to get pregnant. Please pray this helps. Sometimes I'm really encouraged about trying the progesterone-- that maybe it will help us get pregnant right away. But then sometimes I feel like we're sort of starting all over.

Lately it's been helpful for me to think back to what I learned with Elam, and to remember that it still applies in this situation. Strangely, I've had a harder time with God about not getting pregnant again than I did with Him taking Elam. Maybe that sounds bad, like I didn't care about Him taking Elam. Of course that's not the case! I desperately wanted my baby boy. I think I just expected to get pregnant quickly this time. Not that He owed me anything. I just expected it. (Probably has to do with getting pregnant in only 3 months last time.) So I'm having to remember that just like Him taking Elam was better (because it was His will, which is perfect and better than my own will), not being pregnant right now is also better. It's God's will that I'm not pregnant right now. And I can trust Him that that is a good thing. Strange as it sounds, not being pregnant right now is a gift, and I want to receive it as such, in gratitude (Eph. 5:20, Col. 3:17). That thought has been helpful for me. I'm definitely still aware that I'm not in control, something I was constantly reminded of while pregnant with Elam. A baby is God's to give. Ben and I can't make it happen. In light of that, I have two choices-- to be upset and angry with God, or to just trust Him and wait. I think I'd prefer trusting and waiting patiently to being angry and discontent! ;) So that's where my thoughts are right now. I'd appreciate prayer for patience for both me and Ben.

In other news from the last several months, our very good friends moved to West Asia back in September to spread the gospel there. It's been sad not having them here, but we still stay in touch with them thanks to email and Skype. Ben and I took a wonderful vacation to Florida right after they left. It was a much-needed vacation, and it was so relaxing. We really enjoyed spending the time with each other. Ben started teaching college courses online in October. So far that's been easy for him to manage, and it will hopefully help us pay off our car soon. I started working at our church as the life groups ministry assistant around the same time. I've definitely enjoyed helping the life groups ministry. I'm still trying to figure out when I need to set some limits, though, so I can be sure to have space in my schedule for other important things that come up, like spending time with people, helping people out, etc. Ben and I really value simplicity and not being so busy that you miss out on the most important things. It takes discipline, but it's worth it.

God has really blessed our marriage lately with more kindness, more patience, and better communication. We've simply been enjoying and loving each other more lately, which has been very nice! And that's especially helpful considering how our lives have been over the last year and a half, losing our little one and then taking longer than expected to get pregnant again. Very grateful for God's mercies!

Thanks for praying for us!

Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. Psalm 27:14

At the beach in September 2009

I'm a bit afraid of being in the ocean. So I preferred staying in our little inflatable boat instead. :)

Behind the waterfall during mini-golf in Florida

"Mini Vacation"

Ben and I took a one-night vacation at Opryland Hotel a couple Saturdays ago. The hotel was offering a special deal on their garden-view rooms. It was a very relaxing mini vacation! We swam, walked around the hotel, and had a nice dinner. It was very nice to get away for a day and spend time together. We're currently trying to plan a vacation to the beach for next month. It's been a tough year, and we're really looking forward to some time together and away from the usual routine.

Here are some photos from our "vacation" a couple weekends ago: