Trying to Wait Patiently...

It's been a long time since I last updated this blog! Sorry to anyone who's been coming here over the last few months only to find that I haven't written anything new! I kept thinking I'd wait a little longer til I had some good news to report (regarding pregnancy), but that hasn't really happened like I thought it would...

I'll get right to the pregnancy topic, since that's probably what most people are looking to read about. We've been trying to get pregnant for five and a half months now. It's a difficult process. I really try not to get my hopes up each month, but it's hard to avoid it. Last month, I did much better, but it's still hard. I wouldn't say we're stressed about it-- mostly just sad. Most months, I have one or two days where I feel pretty distraught, desperate, disappointed, etc. Those days often coincide with my changing hormones. But those feelings pass. Otherwise, we're just waiting, trying to be patient.

For the last several months, I've had some slightly concerning symptoms regarding my hormones. This last month was the worst yet. The doctor tested my progesterone, but the results came back normal. But I'm going to start taking progesterone this month just in case, because my symptoms indicate that my progesterone levels aren't staying as high as they should in order to get pregnant. Please pray this helps. Sometimes I'm really encouraged about trying the progesterone-- that maybe it will help us get pregnant right away. But then sometimes I feel like we're sort of starting all over.

Lately it's been helpful for me to think back to what I learned with Elam, and to remember that it still applies in this situation. Strangely, I've had a harder time with God about not getting pregnant again than I did with Him taking Elam. Maybe that sounds bad, like I didn't care about Him taking Elam. Of course that's not the case! I desperately wanted my baby boy. I think I just expected to get pregnant quickly this time. Not that He owed me anything. I just expected it. (Probably has to do with getting pregnant in only 3 months last time.) So I'm having to remember that just like Him taking Elam was better (because it was His will, which is perfect and better than my own will), not being pregnant right now is also better. It's God's will that I'm not pregnant right now. And I can trust Him that that is a good thing. Strange as it sounds, not being pregnant right now is a gift, and I want to receive it as such, in gratitude (Eph. 5:20, Col. 3:17). That thought has been helpful for me. I'm definitely still aware that I'm not in control, something I was constantly reminded of while pregnant with Elam. A baby is God's to give. Ben and I can't make it happen. In light of that, I have two choices-- to be upset and angry with God, or to just trust Him and wait. I think I'd prefer trusting and waiting patiently to being angry and discontent! ;) So that's where my thoughts are right now. I'd appreciate prayer for patience for both me and Ben.

In other news from the last several months, our very good friends moved to West Asia back in September to spread the gospel there. It's been sad not having them here, but we still stay in touch with them thanks to email and Skype. Ben and I took a wonderful vacation to Florida right after they left. It was a much-needed vacation, and it was so relaxing. We really enjoyed spending the time with each other. Ben started teaching college courses online in October. So far that's been easy for him to manage, and it will hopefully help us pay off our car soon. I started working at our church as the life groups ministry assistant around the same time. I've definitely enjoyed helping the life groups ministry. I'm still trying to figure out when I need to set some limits, though, so I can be sure to have space in my schedule for other important things that come up, like spending time with people, helping people out, etc. Ben and I really value simplicity and not being so busy that you miss out on the most important things. It takes discipline, but it's worth it.

God has really blessed our marriage lately with more kindness, more patience, and better communication. We've simply been enjoying and loving each other more lately, which has been very nice! And that's especially helpful considering how our lives have been over the last year and a half, losing our little one and then taking longer than expected to get pregnant again. Very grateful for God's mercies!

Thanks for praying for us!

Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. Psalm 27:14

At the beach in September 2009

I'm a bit afraid of being in the ocean. So I preferred staying in our little inflatable boat instead. :)

Behind the waterfall during mini-golf in Florida

"Mini Vacation"

Ben and I took a one-night vacation at Opryland Hotel a couple Saturdays ago. The hotel was offering a special deal on their garden-view rooms. It was a very relaxing mini vacation! We swam, walked around the hotel, and had a nice dinner. It was very nice to get away for a day and spend time together. We're currently trying to plan a vacation to the beach for next month. It's been a tough year, and we're really looking forward to some time together and away from the usual routine.

Here are some photos from our "vacation" a couple weekends ago:

Trying Again

For the past couple months, I have been thinking a lot about getting pregnant again. I've found myself really looking forward to it. When I was pregnant, I hated the idea of having to wait several months before we could try again for another baby, but right after Elam was born, surprisingly (to me), I was not looking forward to getting pregnant again. I knew that if I got pregnant, it wouldn't be Elam, and the new baby could never replace him. So I thought, if I can't have Elam, I'm in no hurry to have another baby. But our hearts have been slowly healing, and over the past couple months, I have been really wanting to be pregnant again. Emotionally, we think we are ready. Physically, I think I'm getting there.

About a month ago, I talked to my obstetrician about it. She has always suggested waiting at least about 6 months after giving birth before trying to conceive again. Studies have shown that there's a higher risk of pre-term labor, low birth-weight, and uterine rupture if someone conceives within 6 months of giving birth. Many people get pregnant within those 6 months and are fine... It's just riskier. She said that she thought that if we start trying to get pregnant "in the next month or two" (her exact words), we'd probably be fine.

It is not likely that we will ever have a baby with triploidy again. Elam's disorder was most likely caused by a random event, not our genetics or any environmental influence (vitamin deficiency, bad nutrition, exposure to chemicals, etc.). However, my OB has told me that we can approach my next pregnancy as "high-risk" if we like. She said that they can do ultrasounds and other tests as often as Ben and I like, if we believe that will help put our minds at ease. I really appreciate that my doctor is very understanding. She was such a blessing during my pregnancy with Elam, and I am sure she will continue to be in my next pregnancy.

So, it's been about a month since our doctor told us to wait "a month or two". We're very excited that our wait is over, but we know that this will now bring on a whole new set of emotions. I know that I could very easily get into a routine of getting my hopes up every month, thinking that I'm pregnant, and then being incredibly disappointed when I found out that I'm not. So I'm praying that I will be patient and content to wait for God's timing. I would very much appreciate your prayers as well. :) I'm praying also, of course, for a healthy baby and healthy pregnancy.

As Ben and I once discussed (and I'm sure many of you know), having children, or even just trying to have children, really opens you up and makes you vulnerable to a lot of heartbreak. We knew this before we got pregnant with Elam, and we definitely know it now through experience. So while the future seems a little scary, we are still looking ahead with excitement for whatever God has planned for us.

Thank you for keeping us in your prayers.

New Blog

Welcome to our new blog! We have been blogging for the past several months about our son, Elam, but we decided to start a new blog about our family in general. We are hoping to try again soon for another pregnancy, but it didn't seem right to write about that on Elam's blog. So here we are! We'll still be updating Elam's blog as our hearts are still healing from his loss, but this blog will be used for updates about our life as a family, and about our ventures in (hopefully) having more children. Thanks for reading!