It's been a long time since I last updated this blog! Sorry to anyone who's been coming here over the last few months only to find that I haven't written anything new! I kept thinking I'd wait a little longer til I had some good news to report (regarding pregnancy), but that hasn't really happened like I thought it would...
I'll get right to the pregnancy topic, since that's probably what most people are looking to read about. We've been trying to get pregnant for five and a half months now. It's a difficult process. I really try not to get my hopes up each month, but it's hard to avoid it. Last month, I did much better, but it's still hard. I wouldn't say we're stressed about it-- mostly just sad. Most months, I have one or two days where I feel pretty distraught, desperate, disappointed, etc. Those days often coincide with my changing hormones. But those feelings pass. Otherwise, we're just waiting, trying to be patient.
For the last several months, I've had some slightly concerning symptoms regarding my hormones. This last month was the worst yet. The doctor tested my progesterone, but the results came back normal. But I'm going to start taking progesterone this month just in case, because my symptoms indicate that my progesterone levels aren't staying as high as they should in order to get pregnant. Please pray this helps. Sometimes I'm really encouraged about trying the progesterone-- that maybe it will help us get pregnant right away. But then sometimes I feel like we're sort of starting all over.
Lately it's been helpful for me to think back to what I learned with Elam, and to remember that it still applies in this situation. Strangely, I've had a harder time with God about not getting pregnant again than I did with Him taking Elam. Maybe that sounds bad, like I didn't care about Him taking Elam. Of course that's not the case! I desperately wanted my baby boy. I think I just expected to get pregnant quickly this time. Not that He owed me anything. I just expected it. (Probably has to do with getting pregnant in only 3 months last time.) So I'm having to remember that just like Him taking Elam was better (because it was His will, which is perfect and better than my own will), not being pregnant right now is also better. It's God's will that I'm not pregnant right now. And I can trust Him that that is a good thing. Strange as it sounds, not being pregnant right now is a gift, and I want to receive it as such, in gratitude (Eph. 5:20, Col. 3:17). That thought has been helpful for me. I'm definitely still aware that I'm not in control, something I was constantly reminded of while pregnant with Elam. A baby is God's to give. Ben and I can't make it happen. In light of that, I have two choices-- to be upset and angry with God, or to just trust Him and wait. I think I'd prefer trusting and waiting patiently to being angry and discontent! ;) So that's where my thoughts are right now. I'd appreciate prayer for patience for both me and Ben.
In other news from the last several months, our very good friends moved to West Asia back in September to spread the gospel there. It's been sad not having them here, but we still stay in touch with them thanks to email and Skype. Ben and I took a wonderful vacation to Florida right after they left. It was a much-needed vacation, and it was so relaxing. We really enjoyed spending the time with each other. Ben started teaching college courses online in October. So far that's been easy for him to manage, and it will hopefully help us pay off our car soon. I started working at our church as the life groups ministry assistant around the same time. I've definitely enjoyed helping the life groups ministry. I'm still trying to figure out when I need to set some limits, though, so I can be sure to have space in my schedule for other important things that come up, like spending time with people, helping people out, etc. Ben and I really value simplicity and not being so busy that you miss out on the most important things. It takes discipline, but it's worth it.
God has really blessed our marriage lately with more kindness, more patience, and better communication. We've simply been enjoying and loving each other more lately, which has been very nice! And that's especially helpful considering how our lives have been over the last year and a half, losing our little one and then taking longer than expected to get pregnant again. Very grateful for God's mercies!
Thanks for praying for us!I'll get right to the pregnancy topic, since that's probably what most people are looking to read about. We've been trying to get pregnant for five and a half months now. It's a difficult process. I really try not to get my hopes up each month, but it's hard to avoid it. Last month, I did much better, but it's still hard. I wouldn't say we're stressed about it-- mostly just sad. Most months, I have one or two days where I feel pretty distraught, desperate, disappointed, etc. Those days often coincide with my changing hormones. But those feelings pass. Otherwise, we're just waiting, trying to be patient.
For the last several months, I've had some slightly concerning symptoms regarding my hormones. This last month was the worst yet. The doctor tested my progesterone, but the results came back normal. But I'm going to start taking progesterone this month just in case, because my symptoms indicate that my progesterone levels aren't staying as high as they should in order to get pregnant. Please pray this helps. Sometimes I'm really encouraged about trying the progesterone-- that maybe it will help us get pregnant right away. But then sometimes I feel like we're sort of starting all over.
Lately it's been helpful for me to think back to what I learned with Elam, and to remember that it still applies in this situation. Strangely, I've had a harder time with God about not getting pregnant again than I did with Him taking Elam. Maybe that sounds bad, like I didn't care about Him taking Elam. Of course that's not the case! I desperately wanted my baby boy. I think I just expected to get pregnant quickly this time. Not that He owed me anything. I just expected it. (Probably has to do with getting pregnant in only 3 months last time.) So I'm having to remember that just like Him taking Elam was better (because it was His will, which is perfect and better than my own will), not being pregnant right now is also better. It's God's will that I'm not pregnant right now. And I can trust Him that that is a good thing. Strange as it sounds, not being pregnant right now is a gift, and I want to receive it as such, in gratitude (Eph. 5:20, Col. 3:17). That thought has been helpful for me. I'm definitely still aware that I'm not in control, something I was constantly reminded of while pregnant with Elam. A baby is God's to give. Ben and I can't make it happen. In light of that, I have two choices-- to be upset and angry with God, or to just trust Him and wait. I think I'd prefer trusting and waiting patiently to being angry and discontent! ;) So that's where my thoughts are right now. I'd appreciate prayer for patience for both me and Ben.
In other news from the last several months, our very good friends moved to West Asia back in September to spread the gospel there. It's been sad not having them here, but we still stay in touch with them thanks to email and Skype. Ben and I took a wonderful vacation to Florida right after they left. It was a much-needed vacation, and it was so relaxing. We really enjoyed spending the time with each other. Ben started teaching college courses online in October. So far that's been easy for him to manage, and it will hopefully help us pay off our car soon. I started working at our church as the life groups ministry assistant around the same time. I've definitely enjoyed helping the life groups ministry. I'm still trying to figure out when I need to set some limits, though, so I can be sure to have space in my schedule for other important things that come up, like spending time with people, helping people out, etc. Ben and I really value simplicity and not being so busy that you miss out on the most important things. It takes discipline, but it's worth it.
God has really blessed our marriage lately with more kindness, more patience, and better communication. We've simply been enjoying and loving each other more lately, which has been very nice! And that's especially helpful considering how our lives have been over the last year and a half, losing our little one and then taking longer than expected to get pregnant again. Very grateful for God's mercies!
Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. Psalm 27:14
At the beach in September 2009
I'm a bit afraid of being in the ocean. So I preferred staying in our little inflatable boat instead. :)
Behind the waterfall during mini-golf in Florida