As for the fertility stuff, we have a few encouraging updates. Although we were not pregnant last month, the HCG shot did help to improve my symptoms a little. They're not completely gone, but they improved! I talked with the doctor and she said that this month we should try Clomid and the HCG shot. I'm thinking (and hoping) that adding the Clomid will be just what I need for my symptoms to go away! So this month I took Clomid for a few days, then got an ultrasound to check my follicles. They were mature, so Ben gave me the HCG shot. So we'll see how it goes! Another thing the doctor mentioned last month was that we could also re-try taking progesterone, maybe next month. Progesterone is typically what's prescribed for my particular symptoms. We haven't tried it in a while because last time I took it, it actually made my symptoms a little worse! But the doctor reminded me that I was taking baby aspirin at that time (because the doctors thought I had a clotting disorder, when I actually had a bleeding disorder!), so maybe the progesterone will actually help this time. I was encouraged by this idea-- we have two definite treatments to try, which felt like we might actually be getting somewhere. If none of these things work, Ben and I may try pursuing more serious testing before continuing with any more treatments.
It has been amazing to watch how God has provided for our fertility testing and treatments so far. For example, last month I ended up getting two ultrasounds, just to find out both times that my ovaries were not ready for the HCG shot. Each ultrasound cost $220 out of pocket, and it was expected that insurance would not cover any of it. Then, a few days later, the shot cost $140! So we ended up spending $560 just for one month! We were pretty discouraged by that, and knew we couldn't keep up with those costs each month. But it turned out that, even though our insurance policy says it doesn't cover fertility treatments, they are covering about $200 from each ultrasound and maybe the entire cost of the shot! And that's only one example of how God has provided! It's been so incredible.
I've also been blessed this month by something God is teaching (or, re-teaching) me. I realized that lately I have been desperately holding the whole baby issue very tightly, and I haven't been open to the possibility that God may not want us to be trying to have a baby at this time. I'm not saying that I think He wants us to do something different at this point, but I haven't been open to letting Him do whatever He wants in our lives. So I decided to let go and surrender (and still try to each day) so that He can direct us as He wants. Ben and I have been praying for clear direction about what He wants us to do, whether that be to continue with what we're doing, begin the adoption process, some combination of the two, or just stop all of it altogether. Neither of us feel like we've gotten crystal clear direction at this point, so our plan is to continue doing what we're doing until He says otherwise. But we have both felt encouraged by the way things are going in the last few weeks, especially after seeing improvement in my symptoms. The really amazing thing is that I can't believe how much weight has been lifted off my shoulders as I've chosen to surrender. I think I was using so much emotional energy and stress to hold onto the issue so tightly, and once I let go and began holding it with open hands, I have felt so much more peace. I was so afraid to let go because it seemed so scary and uncertain, but now I've found that it's actually less scary to just let God be the one to take care of it. Surrender is something I must do daily, and it's not always easy, but I feel so much better about the situation when I just let God decide. God really is trustworthy and good. He knows what He's doing!
So if you would like to know how to pray for us, please pray that:
- The medicines I took this month would get rid of my fertility problems
- We would get pregnant soon
- God would give us both clear direction
- I would continue to surrender to God's will on a daily basis
- We would have patience and wisdom in this whole situation
